Twice in the past week Tim has said in his Husband voice that I should quit my job. It makes me a bit nervous, because he only breaks that voice out two or three times a year, usually in response to a particularly stubborn behavior. I’m not going to quit my job, but I’ve got to learn to take it less personally. The other day I noticed that my bottle of 90 prescription strength 800 mg ibuprofen was empty in less than a month, which probably explains why my stomach hurts as much as it does. I’m not sleeping, and when I get home my shoulders are in such painful knots that I continuously have to physically concentrate on relaxing them.
On Thursday I saw the now four year old daughter of this woman for a sick visit. She had a viral gastroenteritis, and although I knew the girl would be fine in a day or so, I looked at her uncombed hair, her dirty sweatshirt and her little face which was a mirror image of her mother’s and thought to myself, "In just twelve short years I will fail you too. I will continue to tell you that you are special, and worth more than you have been led to believe, and you will not hear me. I will probably tell you that you are pregnant in this very room, and it is very likely that I will also see your daughter for her unplanned pregnancy as well. I can't help you." As dumb as it sounds, I almost started to cry. I can still hear and see this little girl’s mother telling me she "messed up again" and see the resignation of her face. I thought I could help her, but I didn’t. I couldn’t help her, or any of them, and I’m not making any difference here.
I’m not depressed, just overwhelmed and tired. Tim and Josie meet me when I walk through the door after work, and when she sees me she starts to smile, then laugh and squeal and wave her arms, until often she is so overtaken by emotion that she collapses into Tim’s chest. Who could be depressed when their very presence causes such delight in a chubby infant with Ed Grimley hair? It feels like I just need to find that magic spot on the seesaw to get my life back in balance, for the sake of my sanity, my patients, and my family.
Seriously though, the baby totally has Ed Grimely hair, and heaven help me, I love it.
