This was a pity party type post (which is still squatting in the extended entry), but I decided to replace the gloominess. I had a lovely weekend with my family, and that is what I plan on remembering about this week.
Between my hectic work schedule, and the precious time I have with daughter and my husband (not to mention the basics of living like cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping) I have very little time of my very own. It feels so selfish to admit that I miss it sometimes- the power to read a book or trashy internet gossip sites or just hang out with my own self. These days I multi-task everything. Even if we snuggle up to watch a movie after the baby falls asleep I try to catch up on my knitting or apply the moisturizing mask that keeps my winter skin from crumbling off of my bones. I try not to be sad about this. I have chosen to be a mother, a wife, a doctor and a woman, in that order.
Even though I am grateful for so much I crave just an hour here or there for centering myself. Last night I told Tim I was going to stay up and hang out downstairs for a few hours. After working some extra evenings and weekends I had earned myself a gloriously work-free Monday, so I knew I could stay up just a little late. I planned to take advantage of Tim’s offer to sleep in, and then wake up and spend the day with Josie and my friend Rebeccah. A night with myself, followed by a day with the girls- I was thrilled. I ended up staying up to until after three.
At 8:15 this morning the phone rang. My partner, down with the flu, was not going to make it into work. And that left- me. I got up and headed in to the office. I brought bagels to bribe the girls to ignore any grumpiness I couldn’t hide, and I saw patients all day on less than five hours of sleep, with no "sleep reserve"in the tank. I tried not to cry when I listened to the lungs of other people’s babies. I came home and hugged my own baby and did let myself cry for the day we missed together, and for the day alone I had cheated my husband out of. I know it was silly and selfish to stay up so late last night and that the situation was my fault for not sleeping when I had the chance. I have patients scheduled tomorrow for twelve hours. I hope this week looks up soon, because so far it’s been pretty lousy.
