It struck me during Josie’s birthday party that she if she is no longer a baby, then it is time to start treating her like a little girl. I am so grateful that she has been able to spend this last year at home, being cared for by someone who loves her more than anyone else in the world. And yet. She’s spent the whole last year at home! With her father, who loves her more than anyone else in the whole world! How’s a little girl going to gain perspective on the big harsh world when she spends everyday either crawling around a world that has been arranged with her happiness and safety in mind, or visiting her mother who happens to work with a dozen women who think she is the smartest, cutest, most awesome baby in the whole world? Let me tell you, that little girl is going to find the real world a pretty surprisingly horrible place.

So, the baby needs outside world contact. Today, we took her to Gymboree, with just that intent. It was a total complete nightmare. To begin with, I found the chirpy host, the forced camaraderie with parents I didn’t know, constant comparisons with the other babies walking and talking abilities, the bright colors and the awkward insertion of the word "Gymboree" into children’s songs dreadful. My own social anxiety is a large part of why Josie has not attended playgroups or activities up until this point, and my largest fear is that I’ll pass my backwardness on to her. So, I was nervous, and Josie was terrified. The rocking, the parachute, the slide, and Gymbo the scary! clown! puppet all made her cry and clutch us, while the other babies frolicked. Josie probably hasn’t cried more than a total of thirty minutes in her whole goofy, good-natured life. At Gymboree she cried the whole forty-five minute session.

Parenting is hard. I want her to feel safe, and I want her to be adaptable. I her to be sweet, and I want her to be strong. We’ll try it again, maybe without clowns. I blame the clown.

The father-in-law has returned to Spain, my patio is finished and gorgeous. I have two days in a row off from work. It goes ok, here.