A few days ago I saw a patient who said everything very very fast, and then promptly apologized. I kept assuring her everything was fine, and she shook her head and said, "No. I work for doctors. I know you don’t have time to listen to me." I laughed and said she must work for grumpy doctors. But she explained they weren’t grumpy, they were just worn out. "Even good doctors can’t care all the time," she said. "They get Compassion Fatigue."

"Compassion Fatigue". It’s a term that has haunted me ever since. I don’t have it. Yet.

I certainly see glimmers of it. I’m the only physician in my office for days at a time, and so every thing that happens is my responsibility. The walk-ins, the emergency phone calls, the abnormal labs or x rays, the phone calls, the refills, the endless snot- there is never a break and it is all me. My routine patients wait weeks to get an appointment because my schedule is so congested, and I feel that I owe them more time and attention because they have had to wait so long. The sick visits always escalate this time of year, and room has to be made for them. The help I have are all part-time doctors who order tests that they are not there to follow up on. It’s not their fault, but the help of having an extra body a day or two a week is often negated by the mounds of paperwork generated after they leave. There are four part time and six resident physicians in my office, and every lab and CT and pap result comes to me. By the end of the day I feel worn out and frazzled, and I don’t sleep because I am terrified that I missed something or someone. It would be so much easier if I just didn’t care anymore.

I’ve been doing it for a year; I can do it for three more months. Having another full time physician in the office won’t eliminate the stress, but it will spread it out a little. I know I chose this. I know.

I’ve become an antisocial hermit, choosing to spend me precious free time at home with my family. I skip parties and baseball games and gatherings, and stay home in my PJs. I feel guilty, and I worry I am losing friends, but I have so little time with Tim and Josie. It’s funny, because I am more content and more exhausted then I have ever been in my life.

Plus, I completely bummed out that baseball season is over.