Last week I said to myself that if I would do anything to help Josie, and it was such a melodramatic thought that it made me stop and try to laugh at myself. But then I realized it was true. If some magical person came to me and asked me to cut off my hand so Josie could walk I would offer up my arm without a second thought. If the offer were my life or her happiness I would not hesitate. I wasn't surprised by just how much I loved her, but I was surprised at how much all the cliches are true. I would give my life for this little person in a second.
It’s Drama of course, and it’s why I was trying to laugh at myself. The one thing my profession has taught me is that Drama is very rarely productive. My mind knows this, but my heart still likes to make imaginary deals. Anyway, Josie has hypotonia, which is just a doctor word for low muscle tone. Hypotonia isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a symptom, and we don’t know of what. It can be caused by a muscular dystrophy, or a brain lesion, or "just ‘cause." What it means for Josie now is that she isn’t standing or walking yet. What it means for Josie in the long run is completely up in the air. We don’t know why she has low tone, so we don’t know if it will get better, or worse. Without a diagnosis we don’t have a prognosis, and without a prognosis I tend to degenerate into Drama.
Josie isn’t old enough to know she is different. Best case scenario is she never will, and will just be a clumsy pre-schooler. Meanwhile, she is getting physical therapy, and is seeing a neurologist. Next Monday she will have a full evaluation of her speech and fine motor and cognitive skills. I hate that we are already giving her tests and labels, but a lot of children with hypotonia have more than gross motor delays, and neurologist wants evidence that she is otherwise fine.
Most days I am very hopeful, and even foolishly optimistic. Some days I am scared and angry. The uncertainty of the situation is demoralizing, but we are moving forward. At least it is baseball season!
And Tim hasn’t sprung any poo bombs on me lately, so there’s that.
