As I was walking out of the house this morning I realized I wasn't completely sure that I had brushed my hair today. However, as I was sure I had brushed my teeth and put on deodorant I figured I was doing pretty darn good, and kept going. Which more or less sums up our lives around here lately. We're doing good enough.
Josie is great. Josie is really, really great. We've completed the hurdles that were set in front of us, and have finished our cardiology consult (heart sounds good! OK to put off further work-up!), the MRI (negative, and may I never have to sedate my child again) and the Neuromuscular consult. Our diagnosis is currently a congenital myopathy, that does not seem to be progressive. In plain words, Josie is clumsy. Her diagnosis would need a muscle biopsy to have a Name, and we're pretty content not to have a name for now. Josie is doing so well in physical therapy that she may be "fired" in September. The future may hold more genetic testing or a muscle biopsy, but we're not thinking about that now. She's OK, and we're happy with that.
Our life at home has been chaotic. Our computer crashed, hence the radio silence. (And if you emailed me in the last few weeks and I didn't reply please don't take offense.) We also had a steady flow of visitors in our home for the last seven weeks. Josie is blessed to have family that loves her. I'm happy the house is back to just the three of us. It's quieter.
My professional life continues to be a source of stress. There have been a lot of changes, and a lot of "a Very Bad Thing is going to happen!!" and then "Nevermind!", followed by "Yes!! The Bad Thing. And Maybe the Worst Thing, too!" and then... well, you get the picture. After a lot of crying and sleepless nights and discussions at home, I came to the decision that I am committed to working at my office for at least the next year, Bad Things or no. I feel that I owe the people of the community a steady presence. This was a very hard decision to come too, since when we made it we were actively trying to add another family member.
In ten years, I worry that I will look back on these years and regret that I may have delayed my only chance to have another baby. But at the same time, I do not feel that I can walk away from a position and town and people that I have come to care about when things get tough. I've put a lot of my life into being a good doctor, and walking away now feels like abandonment.
I'm scared now that we have lost momentum we may not ever have another baby, and that I may regret the decision later. Right now though, it doesn't feel fair to the family I do have to maintain my work schedule, and my home schedule along with a pregnancy. I like the family I have now. Maybe we're meant to stay the way we are.
Did I mention how great Josie is doing?
