On the subject of Halloween, just how is one to ask a toddler what she wants to dress as? She didn't GET what a costume was, until I got her TWO she DIDN'T like. Now, she understands and wants to be a "shiraffe!" Too late, kid. You'll be a witch and like it.
And on the subject of Josie, just how is one to survive motherhood? I am so very grateful for our first blissful year as a family. In spite of my underlying anxiety, crazy hormones and the instability at work I mostly sailed through, without the constant "what ifs?" that have followed me my whole life.
Now, I worry every day. She is doing well from a medical perspective, but I have trouble... letting it go. If you met her, you probably wouldn't notice that she is not as strong as other kids. She is talkative and bossy and opinionated, and a great dancer, but she can't skip. Or jump, or climb or run. Rough surfaces are hard for her to navigate, but if you saw us at the pumpkin patch you'd probably think she was just very sweet, and liked to hold her mother's hand. I don't think most people realize that she has to hold on.
I feel like a bad person a lot. I constantly scan other toddlers. I am jealous of mothers who don't marvel when their child navigates the slide. I am jealous of women who have more than one healthy child. And when I say jealous, I mean that deep, powerful, pit of your stomach jealousy. The ability to just believe it will be OK, more than once? The first time is different, because you don't know. You don't know just how much you will love and worry about that little person. The first time, you can believe it will all be OK, but the second time... how do you do it all a second time? I think about what my faulty genes could do to another baby every. single. hour. I feel so responsible for what is "wrong" with her that it makes me cry almost every day.
Anyway, I hope you all have a happy and safe holiday. Happy Halloween!
